Try AP English Today!

Are you bored with your life?  Have too much free time?  Don't know how to analyze books and memorize quotes to annoy your classmates, teachers, and family with?  You should join AP English today.  AP English has ten special features guaranteed to make you stay up until the wee hours of the morning, and it's available today for the low price of your social life.

Don't believe us?

1. AP English will give you an ego bigger than the white population of Chagrin Falls.  In fact, it will give you the ability to make awful jokes like that with little to no consequences.  You will believe that you are all-powerful, or at least until you get your first essay back.  Then you will discover new, exciting features of AP English!
2. You will learn mental self-defense.  AP English has a specially formulated method that allows you to rationalize bad grades, bad hair days, awkward moments, and mustache attacks.  Your powers of self delusion will become, as Ron Currie Jr. would say, "quite epic."
3. And there's another exclusive feature!  AP English will allow you to memorize various quotes until you cannot eradicate them from your mind.  When you go to college, you will be chilling with some new friends at a party, you'll hand someone a drink (fruit punch, of course) or an innocent piece of cake, and when they comment on the taste you will blurt out "that's the triazolam."  You will not make many more friends this way and will probably lose the ones you currently have, but that's okay.  You're cooler than them now.
4. Because AP English puts everyone into the same boat!  Everyone struggles!  Guaranteed struggle for all!  Even those who somehow get a 9 on an essay have to work until their cerebral cortexes bleed.  You will look around and wonder why no one else seems phased, and then realized that their brains have shut off from over-use.
5. The features of Ego Boost and Overwork will combine to form Super Awesome Writing Skills!  These Super Awesome Writing Skills! are non-refundable and may take years to dissipate.  You will never be able to read bad literature again because Super Awesome Writing Skills! lets you know that you could have written something better.  Super Awesome Writing Skills! will convince people that you are competent at things which you actually know nothing about, and will make writing college application essays much easier.  Writing papers for other classes will hardly phase you.  One-page paper about social norms? Pshh. Super Awesome Writing Skills! will do it for you.
6. Let's say that you're cool with the whole Super Awesome Writing Skills! thing and the massive ego boost, but you're worried about the scaring-off-friends-with-insanity bit.  Fear no more!  AP English comes with a genuine, unique set of Classmates who will understand all of your troubles.  Classmates are not guaranteed to accept you, but most likely will.  You are not allowed to return Classmates, especially your Writing Partner, and you will not be refunded if you find them faulty.
7. If you sign up for the two-year AP English Super-Package, you will be guaranteed a spot in the competition for a mention on Bobbie's Blog Banter.  You are merely guaranteed a chance to compete, not an actual success.  However, You can always purchase one of our other exclusive offers, such as A Sense of Humor, the Ability to Make Lists, and Popularity, which will in fact guarantee success on a semi-regular basis.
8. AP English offers the impressive ability to hate everything.  A slave who hid in an attic for years?  Too untrustworthy.  A man who died in Alaska?  Too whiny.  An entire Kansas family killed suddenly?  They deserved it, they were boring.  You will learn to hate authors, characters, narrators, and even specific words and forms of punctuation.  You might develop a grudge against the notorious Semi-Colon.  Anything can happen when there's hate.
9. Ever have trouble following instructions?  AP English can fix that for you.  You will be punished every time you forget the topic of an essay and write about sunlight and squirrels instead.  AP English will beat you senseless if you forget to pre-write or mark up the prompt.  You follow the instructions.  You do not get hurt.  This wonderful training program has proved effective in 99.99% of cases.
10. Most importantly, AP English is guaranteed to make you a better person.  You will look back on your life before you started this challenging and exciting program, and you will realize how much you have become an awesome demi-god of writing and analysis, with some good humor and work ethic thrown in.

AP English-- guaranteed to simultaneously destroy your social life and provide you with new opportunities!  Still don't believe us?  Listen to these testimonials from a few of our satisfied customers:

"Libby": I used to say dumb things and no one would notice.  now they get recorded for all time on a quotes sheet!  Thanks AP English!
"Thombus": I used to be able to keep my journal-writing a secret.  Now everyone knows, and I love the recognition!  I owe it all to AP English!
"Low Stile": AP English made me the most popular kid EVER.  I'd never go back to regular English!

So there you have it!  Sign up for AP English today and we'll send you a complementary water bottle to collect all of the tears you will shed over the course of the next two years!  Offer ends today!  Call now!

How AP English will make you feel after you complete the AP Lit exam!